It was a cold night that night. Below freezing, it had started to snow. It was about 3 weeks before Christmas and I had just finished wrapping some presents
I had a little wax diffuser with the gingerbread cookies smell and I had the Christmas music station on the TV.
I could hear the smooth but not too deep voice of the singer accompanied by the higher pitch singers echoing his words with the muffled violins in the background.
I had just ate a big meal with the whole family, I remember that we still had Thanksgiving leftovers. The turkey was still very moist and tender somehow, but my favorite was still the blueberry pie that grandma always made. It was tart to the point of making your mouth water every time you bit into it but it was also plenty sweet. The jelly holding the blueberries together was very smooth and had such a nice blueberry taste to it. The crust was the shortbread kind, chewy where the filling was but pleasantly crunchy and crumbly around the outside.
I remember that year saving my money for months because I wanted to buy the new console for my boyfriend, I did and that was the last present I wrapped because I wanted to make sure it was pristine.
I was laying against my bed on the floor with a pillow under me to cushion the hardwood floor beneath me. I finished wrapping the presents and I looked up.
I liked Christmas, for me at least, it was, between its hectic times, a very relaxing season. I was able to spend some time with my family and everyone seemed so happy. I could see the grins and smiles form as children played in the living rooms and the adults sat snuggling their partner under a blanket just admiring each other.
Everyone was sharing the space but almost in their own world at the same time.
My dad came home covered in snow and carrying a shovel. He liked clearing the snow for some reason, my mother greeted him with a kiss as he stomped his boots caked in snow onto a rag my mom set up on top of the mat.
It was at that moment that I thought
“I should give everyone the best present they could receive from me…my absence”
I started to tear up and a huge feeling of dread hit my chest and it felt like I had a binder that was 10 sizes too small wrapped around me and I let out a sigh.
I imagined myself spectating my family during Christmas time, the same thing, different year, but at the same time, they looked happier… and the only difference was absence.
I tried to forget about this though, but more things just kept lining up, the more it made sense, the more I could see how much that gift would mean to them.
The only issue I found was wrapping it, what would I wrap for them?
I opened my eyes and saw that it was morning the next day, I was freezing and my ass and legs were numb, my neck hurt from the position I was in, my wax diffuser still running filled the room with the smell. My room now smelled like a bakery, it was the only pleasant part of waking up that day.
My boyfriend had the day off so he came to spend the night at my house. He brought over some presents that he needed to wrap, he would give me the present so that I could wrap them since I was better and faster at wrapping them. The only things that were wrapped were my presents which he put under the Christmas tree. I could immediately notice how much time and care he spent wrapping them; I almost started crying because I was already in emotional turmoil and because it was super sweet of him to do.
We went back into my room and as he worked on a D&D campaign that he was DMing on, I was wrapping the presents. We talked a lot that night, he told me stories about his workplace and told me ideas he had for the D&D campaign. I didn’t play D&D nor was I a big fan but seeing the excitement on his face as he talked about it made me really happy.
After wrapping presents, we went to the nearby mall. We walked around the mall and entered a couple stores; not buying anything since it was near Christmas but writing stuff down for it we didn’t get it on Christmas we could buy it afterwards.
After a bit of walking around we decided to watch a movie. They were showing the “Nightmare before Christmas” and since I had never seen it, he insisted that we should watch it. He paid for the tickets and we walked to the concession stand, the smell of buttered popcorn instantly hit me and guided me towards it. He got us a medium bag of popcorn and a soda for each of us. We walked into the movie theater and sat watching the commercials before the movie slowly snacking on them before the movie started.
About ¾ of the movie passed and we finished the popcorn so I moved the armrest separating us and I rested my body on his side and put my hands inside my shirt. He wrapped his hands around me and we continued watching the movie.
After the movie we went home. We switched into our underwear and cuddled in my bed and watched a show. After the episode finished, we turned off the lights and closed our eyes. I remember the position that we were in. He was laying on his back, his left arm on his chest and his right arm around me; I was on my side right next to him with my arm wrapped around his stomach. That is the position that we started on most nights. I liked that position, it made me feel safe, it made me feel…cozy. Whenever we were in that position I imagined myself like a baby monkey holding onto their momma as they swung around. I felt like I didn't want to let go and yet my mind still told me that the only thing better than the console he wanted was my absence.
I didn’t want to let go from this life, but it seemed to me like this life was ready to let go of me.
It interesting how that works, I see my family smile as they count jokes and tell stories around the dinner table, yet i'm still here, for now at least. Waiting for the ice to melt and for my last string to tug on me as i tug on it, i couldn't find the scissors after all